I wrote this poem in early September, as I lay in my bed. Thoughts of the day Hannah died kept replaying over and over in my brain. Poetry has been incredibly helpful in getting some of my thoughts onto paper, allowing my brain a brief reprieve.
As I lie Awake
The grief is screaming inside my head,
As I lie awake in my bed.
The deafening echo of my own cry, trapped with no way out.
My brain travels backwards to “the night” and I can only manage to shout,
“No! No! No! No!”
Memories haunt me of crying out, “what does this mean?”
As my husband drives me towards the scene.
Remembrance leading back to the frantic call…my daughter’s roommate shouting through tears,
“I found her unresponsive and it doesn’t look good.”
Grief hits like a flash flood and does not wait, it just appears.
“No! No! No! No!”
My body takes a new form in the passenger seat,
Shaking and writhing, as bile threatens my throat,
Unsure of the fate I’d soon meet.
The next call came from my daughter’s dad,
“She’s gone!” Were the horrified and anguished words he had.
“No! No! No! No!”
I cry and scream into my husband’s arms as we pull off the dark road.
“We have to get there, now!” I screamed as my body shifts into mode.
Police and detectives swarm the road as I stumble into my older son’s embrace,
My entire being wants to run to her body, but my legs moving in a slow motion pace.
“No, you can’t see her.” I am told. Visions of loved ones who’ve passed can never be erased.
The night’s a blur, nightmare unending, most difficult thing I’ve faced.
Reality crashing down,
To the deepest depths of my soul.
It’s taking a toll.
Grief is screaming inside my head,
As I lie awake in my bed.
*This is a watercolor painting, depicting the night of August 12th, as my husband pulled the car over, after receiving confirmation that my Hannah was gone.*